She had a conversation the other day with someone she cares about. With someone she trusts. He encourages her to speak.
And she dared to tell him how she treated herself. When he said that it hurts him, as she did to herself she had certainly regretted it. Not for her own sake, but for the other person. After all, she doesn't want to hurt anyone. That's why she doesn't usually talk about such things.
She doesn't make it out of self-hate. She just doesn't care what happens to herself. But she takes care of herself. Not because she wants to, but because she has to. Anything else would hurt people she cares about. She doesn't wants that.
It's enough if she suffers or is wounded. And she doesn't want to bother anyone. Other people have enough problems after all. She doesn't want to be a problem. Even if she has a lot of problems.
However, there is something that does not go out of her head. Sometimes it happens that people who are important to her make jokes about her. These are jokes that hurt her but make the others laugh. All those who are important to her do so: her sister, her best friend and even her boyfriend. They would never know because she laughs with them. But it doesn't make any sense to her. Why is it funny to laugh at a person's weaknesses or mistakes? Or bringing it up and reminding her all the time?
She wouldn't say anything about it. Why should she? After all, she doesn't treat herself any better. But she doesn't care what happens to her. That's another reason. These people claim that she is important to them. Then why are they treating her like that?
But maybe it's her own fault, too. She knows she thinks differently from other people. Or maybe she just can't take a joke. Well... She doesn't know why she always has to take everything seriously. Maybe that's why she doesn't understand.
But she doesn't have to understand it either. After all, it's enough if she works and if others don't worry about her. It doesn't make any difference in the end, does it?